Monday, March 20, 2017

- Some Russian Jokes

A man walks into a Moscow shop and see's the shelves all empty. He says to the man behind the counter, "What's this, are you all out of meat?" The man says, "No, this is the shop that's out of bread. The shop that's out of meat is across the street." A classic. No wait, here's another one.

A man waits all day in line for food and just as he gets to the front of the line, the man behind the counter hangs an 'all out of Bread" sign on the door. the man loses it. He begins jumping up and down screaming and shouting. "This is a travesty. Have you no respect?! I'm a veteran. I shed blood for this country!" Seeing his visible anger, a man in a long trench coat sidles out of the crowd toward the man, looking vaguely like the secret police, and puts an arm gently over his shoulder.

"Comrade" he says, "You mustn't talk so. These days we don't make such a fuss but remember back in the old days what would happen." As he said this, he menacingly put a finger in the shape of a gun to the back of the man's head.

"Yes" said the man obviously frightened. "I understand. It won't happen again." When the man arrived home empty handed his wife asked him, "What's the matter, were they out of bread again?" The man responded, "It's worse than that. Now they're out of bullets."

... Ok one more, then I've gotta go.

A Russian general and an American general were seated beside each other at a diplomatic function. Bragging, the Russian General said to the American General "We Russians have the best supplied army in the world. We give every soldier in the field 1,300 calories per day." The American paused for a minute then said "General, we give American soldiers in the field 2,900 calories a day. "The Russian general paused for a moment and looked at his fingers as if doing math in his head, and then burst out laughing jovially. "Oh General, you're a wonderfully entertaining liar. But no soldier can eat an entire sack of potatoes in one day."

Ok one last Joke about the Russians:

FBI’s Russian-influence probe includes a look at far-right news sites

Try and catch me coppers. Top of the world Ma!


TheRob625 said...


Very funny. But I suspect you have to be of a certain age to get them.

A little off-topic, but although I'm right wing (and proud of it!) I've always been a bit skeptical when those on the right say our agenda is being thwarted by the liberal, mainstream media. After all, for over seventy years the Soviet media ceaselessly told the Soviet people that life was getting ever better in the Workers' Paradise. The people's response? Utter cynicism and jokes, of which you have listed but a small sample.

Before I go, here's another.

Q. How many communist dictators does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None! The light bulb is working and getting better and brighter all the time!

Hell_Is_Like_Newark said...

Reagan was famous for telling Soviet jokes told by the people living under the regime.

Nobody under 45 will get the jokes...

Hell_Is_Like_Newark said...

Another classic scene. Robin Williams playing a Soviet defector.. who loves coffee, but never seemed to get coffee, no matter how long her stood in line in the old Soviet Union.

He got a bit overwhelmed his first trip to a US supermarket.

Weekend Yachtsman said...

Those are not Russian jokes, those are Socialist jokes.

Let's get the terminology right.